It's been awhile...

Shit, you think with two months since my last post, things would be on its way to better.  Sadly, not the case.  Before I get into all that crap, updates on Baby L. 

She is 13 months today.  I'm really enjoying this age and for the most part, she's an excellent baby.  We celebrated her birthday last month with a trip to the zoo and then a family dinner.  Her birthday went well and off without a hitch.  We had a birthday party for her a week or so ago.   It's kind of a big thing in our culture and where we live.  My family flew in and we flew in hub's sister as a surprise for his parents.  They were very surprised! Baby L is doing well.  She has taken her walking and turned it in to running.  I kind of miss those days that I could put her down and she'd be in the same spot when I came back.  She's a good eater and tries and eats anything.  That makes it easy.  Currently, she wants to feed herself which makes meals messy and somewhat challenging.  Her downfall is her sleeping.  She still wakes up a couple times a night to nurse and I look forward to a night where I can just sleep.  She has a dairy allergy, so I've been trying to introduce her to rice milk and she'll drink it on occasion, but not enough to have it take over. 

Soooo... my marriage.  I have no idea what kind of state it's currently in, besides shit.  There have been a few really low points recently and a lot of mention of divorce.  I think that he is battling depression and have urged him to get help.  I battled depression for a good chunk of my life, I know that feeling of hopelessness and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  I told him that for the sake of me and the kids (Baby L and my two step-kids), I will not have him make such a life-altering decision with his current mindset.  He has agreed that he is depressed, has even gotten therapists names from his doctor, but hopefully he will make an appointment.  All he can tell me is that he is not happy, he doesn't know what he wants, can't answer if he loves me. I asked him the other night, if he thinks he's so unhappy now, what makes him think he's gonna be that much happier without me.  The grass is always greener, I guess. 4 months of this shit and it's really starting to wear on me and my self-esteem.  I've been getting sick a lot.  I've lost 20 lbs (hello, high school weight!). I feel like a failure as a wife cause we've gotten to this point.  I think to myself, maybe if I did things differently, we wouldn't be in this position. 
There are days were I brace myself for life as a single mom.  But then I think that it can't be that way.  I love him so much and don't know how not to love him.  I can't imagine him with someone else and I can't imagine me with someone else.  Most of all, I can't imagine Baby L bouncing between houses or not seeing her everyday.  Those are the things that kill me.
I know that no matter what, I'll be ok.  Ultimately, I will be ok.  It's just the here and now I have to get through. 
Ok, off to do something productive with myself.  I promise to not let 2 months go between this post and the next.