I'm heading home in a few days. I'm very much looking forward to it. There hasn't been any major improvements since I last wrote, but I'm looking forward to getting back to my "normal" life. As nice as its been to visit with my mom, it's not home. There was quite a rough patch on Tuesday night. A bit of a low point. No sense in me rehashing it cause, quite frankly, I don't really want to think about it. It's looked up since then. I'm not really sure what to expect when I do go back home. I still don't know if he wants to really try at us. Shit, I don't know if he knows.

In Baby L news, Baby L has been able to give kisses on demand for about a month now. In the past few days, she's been giving me spontaneous, random, just cause kisses which melt my heart. Last night though, she added some tongue. Gotta put a stop on that. Those ones aren't quite as heart melting as her other ones.

I'm freezing my ass off.

So since I last posted, well, a lot has happened. There were a couple big fights. After one not so fun one, I made the decision to leave for a bit and visit my mom. Not leaving hubs per se, more just to recharge and take care of myself. I'm not so happy with who I'm turning into. I'm a paranoid, insecure, snappy person and it's just not a fun way to live life. I've lost 12 pounds in less than a month. I feel like I needed to focus on me me for a bit. I need to to be a better mother to baby L.

I made a one way ticket to go visit my mom. From the decision to me actually leaving, it was only three days. Shittiest part of all of it was to tell my stepkids that I was going. Little T wanted to know when I was coming back. I think he knows something is up, but at 9, can't formulate the questions. Big T was a wreck. Begging us not to get divorced, sobbing, everything. Broke my heart. She knew that me all of a sudden going away wasn't a good thing. I love those kids so much. They've been a part of my life for the last 7 years. Big T knows a litle bit of what's going on. Not the details, obviously, but some stuff.

My hope in going was to be able to take care of myself and give hubs some space as well as maybe a little of absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of thing. I truly believe that he hasn't cheated on me but I don't trust this girl he was talking to. She is way too interested in my husband. I found out through a friend that she is friends with some guys and one of them is married. Apparently his wife is none too happy either. I did tell my husband that I don't give a shit that she is bigger than me, I'd kick her ass. Not my most mature moment, but shit, I've been the only mature one thus far.

So now I'm sitting here 5,000+ miles from my home. I'm in 6 degree weather. I am cold. And miserable. Ive only been gone for a few days. I get glimpses of hope though. We are communicating via phone and text way more than before. There's been a couple of jokes and references to our future and our life. I'm hoping and praying, even though I'm not the praying type, cause, well, I have to. I can't give up. That's not an option. At the end of the day, I love my husband and I can't imagine not being married to him. We'd definitely need major counseling if all goes well,but thats ok.

In other more pleasant news, Baby L is walking more and more. She's getting braver and braver and it's amazing to watch. She turns one next month and that boggles my mind. She has finally completely mastered how to sign milk despite my half-ass teachings. Hopefully that means she won't just pull my shirt down at her desire. Her eczema is flaring up. I think the stress she has sensed from me plus the frigid weather we are now in has been a junk combo.

Off to bed I hope. Jet lag sucks. My goal is to wake up before noon tomorrow. It's 2 am now so I think it's plausible.

Bleh.

Yup, that pretty much sums up my mood lately. I have nothing to update. He still "doesn't know what he wants." I'm still stressed. He cut off contact with her for a little bit but has since resumed the occasional text and calls. I came home yesterday after grocery shopping. The phone rang, my house phone. She fucking called the house then didn't even have the balls to say anything. Just silence. Coward. He swears on everything that he's not having an affair, etc, but then what. I went off on him. Two and half weeks of anger spewed out of me. Now I'm left feeling numb and completely unsure of what the future holds.

You know, it's crazy. I still love him. I still can't imagine my life without him. I can't give up. I can't throw in the towel. We at least need to try and try everything. If there is still unhappiness then, well then we'll talk further. But we owe it to ourselves, to our kids, to try at the very least.

I just wish I could tell him to snap out of this and wake up. I wish it was that easy.