limbo

What is one's breaking point? That's something that I've asked myself one hundred million times in the last few months. Because before all this, I thought my breaking point was when I found out my husband was having an affair. Or maybe when I had to listen to the other women tell me how much he cared for her and how "he never wanted to have a kid with me" (yeah, she really said that). Or I thought it definitely would be when he didn't come to me begging for my forgiveness. Or maybe it should've been after not hearing him say I love you in months. Or maybe....

I could rattle a list of reasons why I thought I would've left him by now. And I have only two reasons why I stay. One, I love him. Plain and simple. Two, and this is a big one, I have a hard time accepting this person who is supposedly my husband is really him. I mean, these last 7 months is completely different than his previous 36 years on this planet. His parents and sister don't understand how and why he's changed so much. His ex-wife doesn't understand what happened to him. We're friends now and she has told me that when B and I got together, she felt like he met his soulmate. He's this man who doesn't care if he goes days without seeing his kids. The man I met would drop anything for his kids and would get choked up every time he had to say goodbye to them. I keep thinking that he just needs to snap out of it. And I keep waiting. But at what point do I say, ok, I've waited and I've tried and I need to move on? If he doesn't want to change or better himself, then I can't make him. I don't know what to do.

I'm still here.

A girlfriend I met through blogging Facebook messages me last night asking how I was doing. It just the push I needed to blog. I've thought about blogging a million of times in the last few months but haven't because I don't want this blog to have only a negative feel to it and quite frankly, it's fricken depressing talking about my marriage or lack there of.

So... My husband cheated on me. With that girl I had previously wrote about. I was devastated and still am. I knew it was an emotional affair, but it was a physical one as well. Before I got married, I told B and anyone I had ever dated that if I was ever abused or cheated on, I'd leave and not look back. No question in my mind. Then I have this person call me, yes CALL me, and tell me all about her relationship with my husband. I was pissed. I was hurt, disgusted, every fucking emotion there is out there. I hated her more than I have ever hated anyone or anything in my entire life. I hated him. I was ready to leave, thinking it wasn't worth it. I got that phone call on May 18.

I haven't left. I'm still here. Nothing is better. Its better in a sense, but its not enough of an improvement. He apologized but says he's confused and knows he's done bad things to me and is trying to focus on making him a better person before making any decisions pertaining to us. I hate him and I love him at the same time. Every ounce of my being is conflicted with what to do. I understand to a point that he needs to get his head on right before anything. I've also told him that while I know I'm not perfect, he will regret losing me. I will walk away sooner than later if shit doesn't look up. He's nit the same man I married. He's distant and doesn't care about me or his kids. He doesn't call them to say good night or know what's going on in their lives. I can't accept that this is really is true self. I keep hoping and waiting that he'll get it and things will look up. I also know that if and when we try to work on things, I simply may not be able tonged past what he's done. But in my mind, if we get to that point, at least I can tell myself and Baby L, I tried everything, you know? I don't want to regret anything. I know that whatever decision I make, I need to get there naturally and can't force it. But I want to because I'm miserable right now.

I never, ever thought I'd have to deal with this. I never thought I'd contemplate divorce. It fucking sucks.