An update without much updates.

So.... Sigh. He swore up and down that they were just friends. That there was nothing physical. I found out today she gave him a Xmas gift. Fucking bitch. He's cut off all contact with her since Saturday, the phone records show that.
We live in silence next to each other. He doesn't talk to me or look at me.
We went to a marriage counselor today. I went in with the hope I have some light shed on the situation or the knowledge that we were going to begin to work on us. I left with neither of those things and I now know that he isn't sure if he wants to stay or go. I never, ever in my life thought I'd be questioning the state of my marriage. The three things that he named as our problems, they all have solutions. It makes this whole situation harder to grasp. I love him so much and I cannot imagine my life without him. I do not want to do that to the two older kids (my step kids). It would devastate them. I just don't see this being the end to everything.

I'm going to fight. Fight for my marriage, for us. I'm not going to give up. I just don't know what to do cause it seems like he's given up.

I feel like I'm sinking

My husband told me that he is unhappy in our marriage. He had thought about divorce and doesn't know where he wants to go from here. He is willing to try counseling. He is not the man I married.

I always said before getting married that if there was any type of abuse or cheating, I'd be done. He is insistent that she is just a friend, that there was never anything physical, thy it's not my worst fears. I honestly don't know what to believe. His actions, as well as hers, aren't showing me that it's just friends. If there was nothing to hide, then why was it a secret? He still has been texting her and has called her. We talked yesterday and I don't think it get us anywhere. I'm glad that he opened up to me cause he should've come to me in the first place. I feel like he's the shell of the man I married. It saddens me beyond words that he seems to have given up. I feel like I don't matter to him. I feel like he has chosen this "friend" over his family. And that's fucked up to me. I have two step children that had to witness their parents divorce. If anything were to happen to hubs and I, they would be devastated. I can't imagine my life without him or divorced from him. That's why I can't leave so easily. I still love him. I still hope that things will turn around and that he realizes all that could be lost. I still want to do anything and everything to fight for my marriage. But how do I do that when the other person doesn't seem to care?
Tomorrow is Christmas. It is Baby L's first Christmas and this is happening. This isn't how I pictured my life. I want someone to shake him and tell him, "do you see what you are doing?!?"
Fuck. This fucking sucks.

Well, shit has hit the fan.

Title pretty much says it all. Found out today that my husband has been texting and talking to another woman. Apparently, she's been a "sounding board" for our relationship troubles. I'm so hurt and pissed. My trust for him is gone. There's so much more I wanted to write, but I can't even organize my thoughts.

Butternut squash and Italian sausage pasta

1 butternut squash, peeled and chopped up into cubes
1 tray of Italian sausage
1 lb of pasta, I use bowtie
Oil, enough to coat pan
Salt & pepper to taste

Cook pasta.
Remove sausage from casing and fry over medium heat in oil.
Once sausage is cooked through, remove from heat. Reserve oil.
(I scoop out sausage and put it in a bowl. That way I can use same pan.)
Add squash to pan. Add salt and pepper to taste. Cook squash about 20 minutes or until fork tender.
Add sausage and pasta to pan. Toss until mixed.

A story...

My neighbors are moving. Their stuff is all packed up and they'll be officially out later this week. I'm bummed. While we weren't super close or anything, the hubs and I liked them and they were fun and most importantly, we trusted them. But they're leaving and it sucks a bit.

Now for a story...

A few weeks back, I was in the kitchen looking out at our front yard. I had heard a child's voice which isn't so unusual as our neighborhood is filled with children. I went by the window to take a look and saw a little boy around 5/6 playing in our yard. I didn't recognize the boy at all. Didn't think much of it. Went back after a few minutes to take another look and see this boy running up in our flowers and plants. I feel myself getting twitchy. I then see his mom standing and watching him. I get a little more twitchy. The boy then picks up these branches (my fault, I was too lazy to rake) that are lined with little berries. He then proceeds to take all the berries off and scatter them in our yard. There must be at least 80 damn berries. And his mother is just watching. She then comes into our yard and peeks around by our fence. I cleared my throat. She looked startled. Damn right, you're in my frickin yard. She then looks up at me and says, "oh, do you mind? He was playing with the sticks... Do you want them back?" I said, "no, I don't want the branches back, it's just that your son made a bit more of a mess than it needed to be."
I was doing my best not to sound too bitchy. My fuse is not very long, but I've been trying to not let things bother me when I know they shouldn't bother me *that* much.

The whole thing got me irritated for a bunch of reasons. I didn't understand letting your kid make a mess in someone's yard and not doing a damn thing, either telling them no or at least cleaning up after him. I didn't understand a adult coming into our yard and nosing around. It was just a weird and irritating situation for me.

So as I was saying, our neighbors are moving. Guess who our new neighbors are? Yup, the lady in the story above. I realize one encounter doesn't make anything and I also realize I may have been irrationally annoyed from what had happened. We shall see what this brings. All I know is that I'm really bummed my old neighbors are leaving.

Off to go relax with Baby L... Felt like crap yesterday and today Took me a little bit to realize I have mastitis. Got some antibiotics and still waiting for them to kick in.

Happy Friday!

Tired. Very, very tired. Just came home from work Xmas party. Very good food, fun games, and very good to have some adult conversations. Baby L came with me as the hubs had a different Xmas party to go to. Tis the season.

Exciting days in the world of Baby L. She took a step last night and did it again today a few times. It's only one step then she crawls, but it's the beginning. Makes me sad how fast these last 9 months have gone by. She also learned how to clap. Last night, when she took a step, I yelled out "yay" and started clapping. She promptly started clapping too. I love this kid so much.

Found her under the kitchen table today, trying to pick up a baby gecko. Said baby gecko was missing its tail and I hope, hope, HOPE it's not in her belly. No sign of it, so I hope it was already gone before Baby L got to it.

I figured out how to put pics up on the blog and played with the design. You can't tell as it looks the same as yesterday. Didn't really like/love how it was looking so plain jane it is for now.

Hi, my name is m and I am computer illiterate.

As I try to set this blog up, it is apparent my computer skills and knowledge set is severely lacking. I always kinda knew this, but it didn't really matter till now. So bear with me as this blog will be *very* basic until I figure it out.

And so it begins....

I thought it'd be a good idea to start a blog for a variety of reasons.  I've always loved reading other peoples' blogs and thought especially it'd be a good way to document (keep track) of Baby L's life, granted 9 months in to it.  I have no expectations on this.  I'm not sure if it'll last a week, a month, a year.  Who knows?

And so it begins....