limbo

What is one's breaking point? That's something that I've asked myself one hundred million times in the last few months. Because before all this, I thought my breaking point was when I found out my husband was having an affair. Or maybe when I had to listen to the other women tell me how much he cared for her and how "he never wanted to have a kid with me" (yeah, she really said that). Or I thought it definitely would be when he didn't come to me begging for my forgiveness. Or maybe it should've been after not hearing him say I love you in months. Or maybe....

I could rattle a list of reasons why I thought I would've left him by now. And I have only two reasons why I stay. One, I love him. Plain and simple. Two, and this is a big one, I have a hard time accepting this person who is supposedly my husband is really him. I mean, these last 7 months is completely different than his previous 36 years on this planet. His parents and sister don't understand how and why he's changed so much. His ex-wife doesn't understand what happened to him. We're friends now and she has told me that when B and I got together, she felt like he met his soulmate. He's this man who doesn't care if he goes days without seeing his kids. The man I met would drop anything for his kids and would get choked up every time he had to say goodbye to them. I keep thinking that he just needs to snap out of it. And I keep waiting. But at what point do I say, ok, I've waited and I've tried and I need to move on? If he doesn't want to change or better himself, then I can't make him. I don't know what to do.

I'm still here.

A girlfriend I met through blogging Facebook messages me last night asking how I was doing. It just the push I needed to blog. I've thought about blogging a million of times in the last few months but haven't because I don't want this blog to have only a negative feel to it and quite frankly, it's fricken depressing talking about my marriage or lack there of.

So... My husband cheated on me. With that girl I had previously wrote about. I was devastated and still am. I knew it was an emotional affair, but it was a physical one as well. Before I got married, I told B and anyone I had ever dated that if I was ever abused or cheated on, I'd leave and not look back. No question in my mind. Then I have this person call me, yes CALL me, and tell me all about her relationship with my husband. I was pissed. I was hurt, disgusted, every fucking emotion there is out there. I hated her more than I have ever hated anyone or anything in my entire life. I hated him. I was ready to leave, thinking it wasn't worth it. I got that phone call on May 18.

I haven't left. I'm still here. Nothing is better. Its better in a sense, but its not enough of an improvement. He apologized but says he's confused and knows he's done bad things to me and is trying to focus on making him a better person before making any decisions pertaining to us. I hate him and I love him at the same time. Every ounce of my being is conflicted with what to do. I understand to a point that he needs to get his head on right before anything. I've also told him that while I know I'm not perfect, he will regret losing me. I will walk away sooner than later if shit doesn't look up. He's nit the same man I married. He's distant and doesn't care about me or his kids. He doesn't call them to say good night or know what's going on in their lives. I can't accept that this is really is true self. I keep hoping and waiting that he'll get it and things will look up. I also know that if and when we try to work on things, I simply may not be able tonged past what he's done. But in my mind, if we get to that point, at least I can tell myself and Baby L, I tried everything, you know? I don't want to regret anything. I know that whatever decision I make, I need to get there naturally and can't force it. But I want to because I'm miserable right now.

I never, ever thought I'd have to deal with this. I never thought I'd contemplate divorce. It fucking sucks.

I need sleep. Or help. Or both.

My last 3 hours have been hell. Baby L is battling a cold, teething (why must all 4 first molars come in at once?), and her lack of ability to self-soothe. Her cold is temporary. I can handle that. Teething is temporary. Once again, I can handle that. Her sleeping? I'm beginning to get to the end of my rope.
I'm still breastfeeding. I'm home all day so it's not a big deal. I thought she would've dropped feeds by now, but she hasn't. When she wakes up at night (one to two times on average), she is actually having a full feed. Actually, now that I write it out, the night waking isnt even what bothers me the most. It's getting her to sleep. Some nights, tonight for example, she fights it and fights it to the point where she's a mess and I'm on the verge of being a mess. I've never really like the whole cry it out thing. I have tried it a couple times, but she gets so worked up that it takes me twice as long to settle her and then she sleeps crappy cause it's punctuated by that hyperventilating, gasping for breath thing you do after a big cry. It just doesn't work for us. I know I need to have a better night routine or a routine period but I don't know where to start. Every single day with us is different. Sometimes it's just me and her, sometimes it's us and the two kids, sometimes it's just us and hubs, sometimes it's all five of us. It's the easiest to get her down when it's just her and I since there are no other distractions. Do I just make a routine and then expect on nights when everyone's home, it may take her longer? I don't know!!! I've always had the mindset with sleep that this stage is temporary and it won't last forever. I guess with everything else going on, it's be nice if nights weren't such a struggle. She really is a great baby in every sense. Just a crap sleeper.
Oh, and she mainly co-sleeps. She'll sleep in her crib for most naps and for the first couple hours at night. Some nights, she'll wake up as soon as her head touches the mattress.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And of you don't have advice, commiserating with me will do to.

It's been awhile...

Shit, you think with two months since my last post, things would be on its way to better.  Sadly, not the case.  Before I get into all that crap, updates on Baby L. 

She is 13 months today.  I'm really enjoying this age and for the most part, she's an excellent baby.  We celebrated her birthday last month with a trip to the zoo and then a family dinner.  Her birthday went well and off without a hitch.  We had a birthday party for her a week or so ago.   It's kind of a big thing in our culture and where we live.  My family flew in and we flew in hub's sister as a surprise for his parents.  They were very surprised! Baby L is doing well.  She has taken her walking and turned it in to running.  I kind of miss those days that I could put her down and she'd be in the same spot when I came back.  She's a good eater and tries and eats anything.  That makes it easy.  Currently, she wants to feed herself which makes meals messy and somewhat challenging.  Her downfall is her sleeping.  She still wakes up a couple times a night to nurse and I look forward to a night where I can just sleep.  She has a dairy allergy, so I've been trying to introduce her to rice milk and she'll drink it on occasion, but not enough to have it take over. 

Soooo... my marriage.  I have no idea what kind of state it's currently in, besides shit.  There have been a few really low points recently and a lot of mention of divorce.  I think that he is battling depression and have urged him to get help.  I battled depression for a good chunk of my life, I know that feeling of hopelessness and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  I told him that for the sake of me and the kids (Baby L and my two step-kids), I will not have him make such a life-altering decision with his current mindset.  He has agreed that he is depressed, has even gotten therapists names from his doctor, but hopefully he will make an appointment.  All he can tell me is that he is not happy, he doesn't know what he wants, can't answer if he loves me. I asked him the other night, if he thinks he's so unhappy now, what makes him think he's gonna be that much happier without me.  The grass is always greener, I guess. 4 months of this shit and it's really starting to wear on me and my self-esteem.  I've been getting sick a lot.  I've lost 20 lbs (hello, high school weight!). I feel like a failure as a wife cause we've gotten to this point.  I think to myself, maybe if I did things differently, we wouldn't be in this position. 
There are days were I brace myself for life as a single mom.  But then I think that it can't be that way.  I love him so much and don't know how not to love him.  I can't imagine him with someone else and I can't imagine me with someone else.  Most of all, I can't imagine Baby L bouncing between houses or not seeing her everyday.  Those are the things that kill me.
I know that no matter what, I'll be ok.  Ultimately, I will be ok.  It's just the here and now I have to get through. 
Ok, off to do something productive with myself.  I promise to not let 2 months go between this post and the next.

I'm heading home in a few days. I'm very much looking forward to it. There hasn't been any major improvements since I last wrote, but I'm looking forward to getting back to my "normal" life. As nice as its been to visit with my mom, it's not home. There was quite a rough patch on Tuesday night. A bit of a low point. No sense in me rehashing it cause, quite frankly, I don't really want to think about it. It's looked up since then. I'm not really sure what to expect when I do go back home. I still don't know if he wants to really try at us. Shit, I don't know if he knows.

In Baby L news, Baby L has been able to give kisses on demand for about a month now. In the past few days, she's been giving me spontaneous, random, just cause kisses which melt my heart. Last night though, she added some tongue. Gotta put a stop on that. Those ones aren't quite as heart melting as her other ones.

I'm freezing my ass off.

So since I last posted, well, a lot has happened. There were a couple big fights. After one not so fun one, I made the decision to leave for a bit and visit my mom. Not leaving hubs per se, more just to recharge and take care of myself. I'm not so happy with who I'm turning into. I'm a paranoid, insecure, snappy person and it's just not a fun way to live life. I've lost 12 pounds in less than a month. I feel like I needed to focus on me me for a bit. I need to to be a better mother to baby L.

I made a one way ticket to go visit my mom. From the decision to me actually leaving, it was only three days. Shittiest part of all of it was to tell my stepkids that I was going. Little T wanted to know when I was coming back. I think he knows something is up, but at 9, can't formulate the questions. Big T was a wreck. Begging us not to get divorced, sobbing, everything. Broke my heart. She knew that me all of a sudden going away wasn't a good thing. I love those kids so much. They've been a part of my life for the last 7 years. Big T knows a litle bit of what's going on. Not the details, obviously, but some stuff.

My hope in going was to be able to take care of myself and give hubs some space as well as maybe a little of absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of thing. I truly believe that he hasn't cheated on me but I don't trust this girl he was talking to. She is way too interested in my husband. I found out through a friend that she is friends with some guys and one of them is married. Apparently his wife is none too happy either. I did tell my husband that I don't give a shit that she is bigger than me, I'd kick her ass. Not my most mature moment, but shit, I've been the only mature one thus far.

So now I'm sitting here 5,000+ miles from my home. I'm in 6 degree weather. I am cold. And miserable. Ive only been gone for a few days. I get glimpses of hope though. We are communicating via phone and text way more than before. There's been a couple of jokes and references to our future and our life. I'm hoping and praying, even though I'm not the praying type, cause, well, I have to. I can't give up. That's not an option. At the end of the day, I love my husband and I can't imagine not being married to him. We'd definitely need major counseling if all goes well,but thats ok.

In other more pleasant news, Baby L is walking more and more. She's getting braver and braver and it's amazing to watch. She turns one next month and that boggles my mind. She has finally completely mastered how to sign milk despite my half-ass teachings. Hopefully that means she won't just pull my shirt down at her desire. Her eczema is flaring up. I think the stress she has sensed from me plus the frigid weather we are now in has been a junk combo.

Off to bed I hope. Jet lag sucks. My goal is to wake up before noon tomorrow. It's 2 am now so I think it's plausible.

Bleh.

Yup, that pretty much sums up my mood lately. I have nothing to update. He still "doesn't know what he wants." I'm still stressed. He cut off contact with her for a little bit but has since resumed the occasional text and calls. I came home yesterday after grocery shopping. The phone rang, my house phone. She fucking called the house then didn't even have the balls to say anything. Just silence. Coward. He swears on everything that he's not having an affair, etc, but then what. I went off on him. Two and half weeks of anger spewed out of me. Now I'm left feeling numb and completely unsure of what the future holds.

You know, it's crazy. I still love him. I still can't imagine my life without him. I can't give up. I can't throw in the towel. We at least need to try and try everything. If there is still unhappiness then, well then we'll talk further. But we owe it to ourselves, to our kids, to try at the very least.

I just wish I could tell him to snap out of this and wake up. I wish it was that easy.